How I Found Myself (by “F****ing” Myself)

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 “Fuck you very much, Janefrancess!”

I sat in bed struggling to see through misty-eyes as I gazed at my phone. It was as though my whole world had come to an end. The words rang in my head over and over again as my heart bloated with so much air. I gasped for air! “Fuck you very much Janefrancess”. It played on in my head over and over again. I consumed every ounce of these words, absorbed it, and made it all mine. It’s like once you sat on a glittery silver moon, watching the stars twinkle at you, and all of a sudden, they all disappear and you realise that the only brightness that surround you is the timid LED light of your phone, alerting you of that hurtful message, coming from a loved one.

When people hurt you with their words intentionally or fortuitously, it leaves scars of hatred and bitterness that take forever to heal. Dealing with hurtful words could create that feeling of wanting to detach ourselves from the strings of loved ones to a place where we can get lost, away from all the noise, from the love, the sounds of joy and laughter, the sense of wholeness and contentment with life, to a place where voices become echoes and the only sound we hear is that of our ever resilient heart that keeps beating even when pricked with the sharp claws of words.

A standout amongst the most critical lessons we get to learn in life is that once words have been spoken, there’s truly no real way of taking them back. It travels as far as the point of no return especially to the point where the harm has been done. Words can both break and build us up, and when words are used as a weapon they can sting like a bee; knock you out like a blow, pierce like a lance and cut so deep like a knife! But when such words are thrown at you what do you do with them? How do you overcome them? When you have been ridiculed, and had your good nature trampled on, how do you get right back up and keep moving? When people try to tear you down with their hurtful words, how do you turn all the negatives to positives? It’s just a matter of setting goals and motivating yourself to heal from the pain. You either believe in their words and get consumed by it or use it as a point of empowerment by mastering the following–

1) Transforming words from weapons to tools!

Words can serve as both weapons and tools depending on how they are used. Now such spear-like words have been thrown at you and it pierced so deep you start to bleed. Here’s the catch, whatever you choose to do, and whether or not you deserved such words, it still hurts, and you cannot deny it! But then again, you are not defined by the choice of words people use at you, it’s how you respond to it that defines you. The boldest step to take is to first accept the situation for what it really is. Once you come to terms with it without losing your cool, make use of their words (oh, and your words too!) positively! Like the saying goes “change your words, change your life”. The choice of words we use in any situation determines the outcome of that situation in the long run and most often, they backfire! This is why words indeed should be used wisely and likewise the conceiving of such words. Since words are energetic and carry a lot of force, it is in your power to use and to conceive them positively even if it has been negatively used against you. So if you are called a fool for instance and you accept yourself to be a fool, you automatically start acting like a fool because you have believed it to be true. Instead of dwelling on all the negatives of what is said to and against you, transform them to your own positivity, your light, then believe and watch these words work in your favour!

“There is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. The little difference is attitude. The big difference is whether it is positive or negative” ―W. Clement Stone

2) Remember that you are stronger!


Unfortunately, many people feel powerful using hostile words against others as weapons of destruction yet you must understand that the person who has used such words against you has only exhibited a sign of their own weakness, choose to be stronger and believe in your strength! You see, “sticks and stones may break my bones but words alone will never hurt me”. This sounds so easy right? The truth here is that words indeed possess the capacity of hurting us but it’s our strength that wields on such words and makes it easier to overcome. Words are merely words and though they come with so much force, they could also be as light as a feather! It is up to you to give such words the power to hurt you because the strength actually comes from you. Hence, your mindset matters. Just as stated earlier, always keep a positive mindset!

3) Pour out from your Jar of kindness


Forgive! Yes, many people live with so much hate in their heart; they forget what kindness even means. Every now and then we all feel hurt, alone, miserable and in every way emotional but how do we deal with all of life’s emotional let-downs without hurting one another? Another category of people are those that go through life struggling with self-loath! Hence, they are blind towards anything good so much so that they deprive themselves that privilege of being happy. But it doesn’t end there; they must take it out on others and blame others for their own mistakes and failures. Since love comes with bearing responsibilities towards ourselves and others, it becomes easier to hate than to love. When all the hateful words come rolling, and people prove to be who you never thought them to be, once you understand that perhaps they have run out of kindness in their hearts, and are dealing with their own bitterness, give them a refill from your jar of kindness! Forgive them and commit yourself to healing!

“True forgiveness is when you can say, “Thank you for that experience.” ―Oprah Winfrey

4) Discover your strength and work with it– Move on!


Truth is you were whole before it started to feel like your world was falling apart. When all is said and done, and your eyes are dried out from the tears, and slowly everything starts to fall back in place, you begin to come to terms with the fact that you are stronger than you actually thought! The discovery of your strength becomes your truth not the pain from the hurtful words thrown at you. In the end you realise that it was never about them but about you! And when you discover your strength, you must work with it! Clinging onto what caused you so much pain will deny you the privilege of the better good coming ahead. You must lose something to get something better. All positive development obliges change as much as change in itself can be unnerving. Every Once in a while you need to discover the positivity in goodbyes. Love yourself enough to walk far from anything and any person that has ceased to add to your growth. When you quit pursuing all the wrong stuff, you give the right ones an opportunity to get you. When you journey on with the little strides even when it all seems incomprehensible, in the long run you will arrive at your destination.

So when next someone says anything that drives you to hell, walk through it boldly for you just might find in it your gold mine!


QOTW: “Turn your wounds into wisdom.” ―Oprah Winfrey

Written By:  ‘Nonye J. Chidolue (@NonyeWrites)

23 thoughts on “How I Found Myself (by “F****ing” Myself)

  1. Waoh! I hurried through this post don’t know why I always do that, then I took my time and started reading and reading and reading and I said to my self was it not the other day I was reading on this same blog some days ago “why what others think of you Actually matters”, Nonye this is just a good rejoinder and well written also in my own opinion to the quoted above you wrote.
    for me #3 about forgiveness is what I need to practice more….

    Liked by 1 person

  2. And Nonye delivers again! Wonderful piece by a wonderful soul. I enjoyed like my own personal muses. It was as though I was speaking to myself as often done in Twitter, Facebook & here on WordPress. Friends who reaches deep into one’s hurt to mend the broken cord are hard to find, I’m certain I’m keeping mine. Thanks Nonye for being You.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. The Halleuhia catharsis of an enflamed heart!!!! ACCOUNTABILITY as KING/ QUEEN (to be politic). The truism of POWER residual in the WORD underscored poignantly. Each of us, wittingly or unwittingly, are forced to take possession of our expression-of-heart as words or actions (Prov. 4:23). As you point out, the deafening echo of hurt from an unguarded utterance is as potentially heart-rending and damaging as the proverbial butterfly’s wing flap in Rio generating a tornado in Texas! Especially when it emanates from a supposed trusted and loved one. But, c’est la vie: Life will see us offending something or someone through its unpredictable course. Eden must have had bountiful Rose gardens…. But something ignobly wicked still slithered in.
    In essence, affirm your affirmatives in a firm sense of you. Do not be defined as another finds. Peregrine you have made me proudly grin! Merci bien!!!
    (P.S. That fellow who expleted to Janefrancess could do with some DOUBLE strength LISTERINE!)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks a lot Mr Dare! You know, I shuffled between the “To or not to” with this piece but you kept ringing in my head “put it out there” lol! Don’t you sure inspire me with every one of your words? I appreciate. Same proverb [10:32] also gives that -Righteous people know the kind things to say, but the wicked are always saying things that hurt. Its inevitable to live without hurtful utterances, but then c’est la vie indeed! This is why forgiveness remains a vital tool for survival.
      &Oh, the double strength Listerine killed me! Lol
      Merci infiniment for your ever kind words!


  4. ” The discovery of your strength becomes your truth not the pain from the hurtful words thrown at you. In the end you realise that it was never about them but about you”. I think I should hold on to this words. Well done love, great work.

    Liked by 1 person

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